Day 154 (How To Feel)

Hello,

It feels like the month of May Day literally blew past. This is probably why:

Workwise: I’ve been working with Government since the beginning of the year and it’s gradually gotten more and more demanding, challenging but also more interesting. I was lucky enough to find the one government agency that specialises in the one area of law I’m most passionate about and after I shook off the newbie label and got to handle real matters, it’s been down-hill ever since.
But I’m now at a cross-roads. The plan wasnt to settle here. The plan was to get here, get all what I needed and get out… six months, a year..max! Thereafter, the plan was to move to private practice. The corporate world with its sleek offices, flaboyant wardrobe and mega-shilling clients. Well, it’s not so clear what the plan is anymore. I could spend an entire post telling you all the awesome perks of working in gava i.e. the endless work/training trips both locally and abroad (I’m yet to do the abroad ones but I’m *this* close), the countless meetings/conferences/workshops (these may seem like idle stuff but for me, this is where theory meets practice, lots of sharing of ideas and experiences, brilliant for eager beavers in the field like moi) and ofcourse, the flexibility, as in we have fixed hours, we have clear performance contract targets so how you spend the rest of your time thereafter is entirely up to you… this would be the most ideal environment to pull a work/study thing especially for me who’s dreading that LL.M workload. SO all in all, the only advantage private practice has over gava is the pay. And I know I have a responsibility to my housemate and my bro to chip in financially to the household running costs so.. yeah, its quite the pickle. This one firm is really keen on having me start next month so I have until next week or soon thereafter to make up my damn mind.

Heartwise: My heart is fine, thanks for asking. Okay, I’ll open up. Just a little. My heart’s hiding. It must. And since you asked, here’s why it’s hiding. It’s June. Her birthday is coming up. Dont even know why that matters anymore. I’ve already told my heart to MOVE ON. And we agreed it would but alas. Maybe it has something to do with next month marking a year since the break-up? Who knows. Anyways, my heart has had its share of good moments. Mostly through surges of testostrone and ego-stroked adrenaline. Sometimes all it takes is to strike up a conversation with a stranger and have them say something about your eyes or for a female friend to compliment you on a shirt, or a scent or a blogpost or something and just like that my heart comes out of hiding and smiles. Then quickly goes back in again. I still do not have balance. I still do not have peace.

Healthwise: I’m fine too. Kinda, sorta, maybe. It’s just that I cant remember when was the last time I soaked a teeshirt with sweat or had my lungs feel like they going to burst out of my chest, or felt my muscles burn – that good burn, that-workout-firmening-burn. I dont even know when exercise routine went off the tracks but it has. The only courts I go to these days are the ones where you bow when you walk in and you bow when you leave. I am aware that its only a matter of time before its starts to show and although I get PLENTY of exercise in other ways, I desperately want to go back to my regular basketball routine.

Spiritwise: My spirituality is orphan. It ran away from its Catholic home and has been roaming ever since. Had a major fall-out with the Baha’i community that had taken me under their wing so we’ve both opted for silence. Buut, at work, there’s this lady. She’s almost my mother’s age. I share the office with her and she’s a devout Jehovah’s Witness. Boy oh boy, she is relentless with the whole trying to get me back to christianity. She’s waay more persistent that the mormons who once tried to get me to join their faith. The absolute height was when she came with issues of their magazine “Watch Tower” in FRENCH!! Because she overheard me talking to my bro, and she caught a few french words. Unbelievable. It’s been weird at the office but I’m hoping she’ll give it a rest eventually. Today, she caught me staring at her reading her little prayer book or hymn book or pocket bible and she quickly asked me: “V, do you pray?” “When do you pray, V?” “You do remember how to pray, dont you, V?” Aii, I give up. lol.

I know there’s lots I’ve left out. But it’s a new month, so I’ll try and come back on here and fill in some of the other stuff as time progresses.

In the meantime, if you bump into me walking around Nairobi somewhere headphones and all or cruising along in Rusty (who is bumper-less at the moment.. long story), I hope something positive comes to mind.

Take care,

Cloudvillian

Day 132 (Cockblocked by Jesus?)

“Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?”
– 2 Corinthians 6:14

So there you are, half-way through some Kenchic kuku porno na chips a sumptuous meal with a very attractive looking sister and all through the date the conversation is flowing until the issue of religion comes up. Personally this has always been my Achilles’ heel. I mean it’s hard to control a first impression created by telling someone that you’re sort of in-between faiths, that you’re exploring your spirituality, that you believe in God but you dont want to be necessarily be tied down to any one religion.

Not having a church you go to every Sunday is apparently as criminal as not owning your own set of golf irons and having a club membership locked down somewhere and using expressions like teeing off, putting and hole in one. Yes, I know, I’m going to hell and with my luck I’ll probably be ironing designer shirts for eternity.

So aaaaaaaaanyway, my boy G who upto this point fully identifies with my religion issue, was telling me earlier how he’s had an unfortunate streak of dating saved women. And so, we ended up discussing why saved women insist they would not consider having anything to do with you unless you’re saved. What sort of thing is that? Men are men, saved or not saved and if you think that dating or even marrying a saved man will guarantee you peace and happiness, then by all means, go right ahead. But dont even dare make it seem that I am less of a man or not worthy just because I’m not saved. Men ought to be judged based on their own strengths and weakness, their qualities and flaws and not solely on the basis of who or what they believe in!

That being said, I must admit there is something absolutely to die for in those women with deep religious conviction, and don’t necessarily rub it in your face but you can just tell they’re content in their spirituality and religiosity, waiting for The One whom God has pre-chosen for them. And until that One comes along, they’re happy laying in wait.

Something like this…

Day 55 (Spiritual adolescence..)

Mood: Talkative

Mode: Que Dieu me soutienne..

Thoughts:

A week ago (Ash Wednesday), the Lenten season officially commenced.

Last year, I found it cute how she would constantly find ways of trying to get me to disclose which of the many vices/indulgences/temptations/addictions of this world I had decided to deprive myself of for 40 days and 40 nights. This year, I’m going to share it with you all and her as well. I am giving up two things: white lies and profanities for Lent. There, I said it. Now you know. I know what you’re thinking – it’s not possible, right? Especially for me, because those happen to be the two things I do almost automatically. Involuntarily, too. Allow me to briefly elaborate:

White lies:
Men specialize in white lies. Any woman that has even spent enough with any man will tell you as much. All men do it. Daily. Hourly even. I will not deny that I am part of this in fact, I’m texting a pseudo-lie to three separate people while I’m writing this sentence. The thing about me and my white lies is that I’ll always try and justify it either a way of protecting the people around me from certain ugly truths that must not be disclosed. Atleast not by me. the reality of things and other things I deem unimportant. Other reasons I found myself white-lying was to wiggle out of any social gatherings and events that are not directly related to official work. Between us, I’m enjoying the quiet life. Staying indoors, reading, thinking, bonding with the family and generally trying to figure stuff out.

Profanities:
It seems being in Kenya has turned me into quite the potty mouth. I don’t go around insulting people’s mothers at random or anything like that. But it generally doesn’t take much for me to unleash verbal tongue-lashes with facial and hand gestures to boot on the unsuspecting public wherever and whenever at the slightest hint of provocation. I guess most of my colleagues have just come to think I have a short temper or anger management issues or I just need to get laid or something. But I’ve noticed it, the foul language – and I’m not particularly happy with it. I’m not that kinda guy. I’m a Scorpio for goodness sake not a Taurus! *grin* Okay, yeah so the plan is to go back to the basics and keep my mouth shut or at the very minimum civilly get my point across without everything I utter turning into a Slim Shady verse.

So there you have it. Those are the two things I’m “giving up” for Lent. Inch’allah, I shall phase them both out from my life altogether.

But telling you what I’m giving up for Lent is not the reason I’m here. There’s something deeper that has been on my mind for a very long time now.

Continue reading

Sins of the Flesh..

40days40nights

39 days and 39 nights to go.

Call me old fashioned but I refuse to disclose the object (s) of my Lenten fast.

Lent is supposed to be the time we shed all those worldly things that often take control of our lives in order to renew our spiritual selves.

For me, this is and should always be a personal exercise requiring not only candid introspection but also critical reflection on all the areas of our spiritual lives that need attention. Therefore whether people know what you’re giving up or not doesnt affect the price of tea in China, as one colleague nicely put it.

But I guess that’s just me.

Anyways, just for kicks, here’s a couple of things some of my friends will be giving up for Lent for this year- in no particular order:

1. NO Sex:
One very ambitious fellow told me he’s giving up sex a la 40 days and 40 nights but I doubt he’ll last the week.
As for myself: been there, done that – I even threw in a NO kissing restriction for good measure.
Although that particular Lenten season coincided with a dry-spell I was having at the time so I guess it wasnt too hard to endure an extra 40 days and nights.

2. NO Facebook:

One of my friends told me that she was giving fb up but this morning I noticed she’d updated her status:
” Sarah is thinking that giving up Facebooking for Lent will be a piece of cake.”
then 2 hours later:
“Sarah is …”
then a couple of minutes ago:
“Sarah cant wait for Lent to be over.. this is haarrrd!”

can you spell ‘addict’?

3. NO Alcohol:
This is a common one. Smoking too. But most people are social drinkers and smokers anyways so I guess the only difference now is that cancer sticks and liquour will be enjoyed secretly.

4. NO Salt and/or sugar:
This one isnt as easy as it looks especially if you factor in both food and drinks although it would probably work if you stick to having all your meals yourself and carefully controlling the content of your fluid intake.

5. NO swearing:
I happen to know alot of potty mouthed multi-lingual verbal abusers who are giving up swearing this Lent. That’s like me waking up one morning and deciding I’m going to go around speaking in an Australian accent all day long. But, I admire them for realising that their swearing is a vice which not only harms them but it also affects the people around them.

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