Day 286 (Where do we go…)

Mood: Upbeat

Mode: rêveur


“sacrifice” (n): a word we have removed from our dictionaries. No one wants to relent yet all religions and men of keen senses have observed its occassional necessity. And so families break, friendships collapse and nations wallow in legacies of failure for no one takes it upon their shoulders to do what they must.



Now playing: Talib Kweli ft. Res – “Where Do We Go”

Day 235 (Porn)

Mood: [censored]

Mode: ‘degraissage’


Like most normal heterosexual men, I have a healthy relationship with porn and my regular intake remains constant whether I am in a relationship or not. Ladies, you may or may not understand this reality about us. Anyways, for lack of any breaking news to report in my life like getting run over by an armoured G4S truck or my miserable love life, I thought I’d talk about porn. Specifically I shall give you an insight to some of the many thoughts that cross my mind while watching porn..(well, atleast during the ‘boring parts’ before the..uhm.. you know.. kicks in)

1. Sizing myself up.
From when I was a young virgin boy (it wasn’t *that* long ago, I still remember some stuff from them days), porn was how I found out my package was a decent size, and as I grew older and learned how to use it, I have never forgotten to thank God for his generosity to me in that department. (God + porn? Ok, this is officially a new low, even for me)

2. Watching porn with other people
My general rule of thumb is if I walked in my boys crib and the crew was watching porn, I’m walking right out the door. Unless it’s a celebrity sex-tape. You don’t watch those to get turned on, you watch to see a famous person eating mangoes nekkid!
Also, I think there’s an unspoken consensus amongst the guys I know that if we’re a mixed group of guys and girls watching porn, any guy who pulls out their johnson is asking to get punched or worse. Now if the ladies would like to go topless…who are we to deny you? (If only such things actually *did* happen)

3. Watching it with a member of the opposite sex
From my experience, watching good porn with a member of the opposite sex can lead to an interesting night. The end.

4. Porn is universal
As ridiculous as it is sometimes….porn has something for everyone and for every mood. Sometimes, you may want to see some interracial action or maybe you’re into midgets or whatever. It’s all there, trust me. Hell, there’s a dude on Kirinyaga Road that can hook you up with vernacular porn if you’re looking for that rural feel.

5. Appreciation of sex as an art:
Like dance, it is an expression (albeit a horizontal one or vertical or whatever other shape you can think of) and when performed rhythmically, sex *can* have a high level of aesthetic value and appeal.

6. Things that don’t happen in porn films:
Back-scratching, for instance. Most women have this tendency to dig their nails into your back during their O or if they’re in insufferable pain or something. This aspect is never shown on porn films probably because the black dude in the interracial porn would look like a runaway slave or something. There are also other things like crying, passing-out and outbursts of laughter that don’t happen in porn films although they form an integral part of most people’s sexual experiences. (Re: Passing out: Long sessions + Summer nights = dehydration. These things have been known to happen, folks)

5. Things that porn movies over-hype:
The booty-slap is top of my list… a list which contains a lot of other unmentionable things that I shall not mention or attempt to attach illustrative photos of. So, where was I? Yes, ass-slaps. It’s over-portrayed in porn movies and comes off as very cliché and mechanical.
Sidenote: Fellas, is it just me, though, or are the best ass smacks the ones that are just firm enough to be felt but echo around the walls of the room like Kunta Kinte’s slave-master just came through with the horse whip?
Anyways, another thing that is over-hyped in porn movies is talking dirty in foreign languages. Personally it is not really all that, talking dirty in English is enough, really.

6. The only useful thing I’ve ever learnt from watching porn is…A man who is “laying the pipe properly”, so to speak, can get away with a lot – hair pulling, choking, spanking, a little domination…you name it. But you have to be in the MASTER to pull it off. She’s got to feel you’re in control every step of the way.

And finally, here’s my closing point that’s if you didn’t stop reading this post from the title and immediately ruled me out as a perverted and deeply disturbed soul

7. Post-porn regret:
After I watch porn, I always feel bad about it. Maybe it’s the catholic upbringing in me that feels dirty and deviant or maybe its feeling like I’ve contributed to an industry that degrades, dehumanizes and sexually abuses women. But ofcourse for some men the post-porn regret is similar to the feeling they would get after completing the Act with a woman significantly below their typical physical standards.

So I guess this is the part of the post where I say “Damn yall, I cant believe I just blogged about porn” But I’d be lying… Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to the “Drafts” box to see what other rubbish I’ve typed up in the past few years but have been too chicken to post.


Now playing: Kelis ft Nas – “In Public”

Day 222 (NDE…End?)

Mood: Purple

Mode: Chanceux


While lying on the tarmac, eyes facing the gray Nairobi sky, I could’ve sworn I was a goner.
Now that I have your attention.
Quick recap: I was walking from Main Campus to Ambassadeur to catch a Hoppa. Somewhere between Wabera and Kaunda Streets I came face to face with death in the shape of a G4S truck that literally smacked me off the road and drove off. I wont go into too many details about who’s fault it was except to say that I should know better than to think/assume that motorists in Nairobi actually give a sh*t about crossing pedestrians let alone basic road traffic rules. That said, people who claim that they saw “their life flash before their eyes” in near-death experiences are all liars. Or maybe I didn’t really have a NDE? Maybe it was more of a strong jolt, a rude awakening, or something like that, meant to shake me at the very core so that I could come to terms with certain inescapable truths about life and what it means to feel/be alive? Much in the same way as the break-up did. Deep down, I’d like to think this new-found clarity about life would have dawned on me without the help of a G4S truck or anything else for that matter, but I would be lying to myself.

Although I rose to my feet, brushed myself off and hobbled to the bus stop, my heart was pumping through my ears the whole time and my mind was working over-time consumed with thoughts but mostly regrets. My biggest regret to date is being afraid to confront my issues head-on.
As your first-born son, I was too scared to step into dad’s shoes early enough and be there for you when you needed someone to bounce off ideas on or someone to just listen and understand what you were going through. I chose to tell myself that you had everything under control and even those times you tried to involve me in making important decisions for the family, I chose to play the child and let you carry that burden all by yourself. And as your big brother, I should have been more firm with you, I should have insisted that you listen to me and hear what I have to say especially concerning my experiences with life, love and school. A lot of the things you’re going through now bear such a striking similarity to my own scars and had I stepped up as your big bro, sat you down and talked to you man to man, you probably wouldn’t have had to go through a lot of the pain and disappointment you’re now feeling.
As your boyfriend, I had kept so much from you. You suffered needlessly trying to figure out someone who seemingly doesn’t want to be understood. I had created this false impression of who I am and what I am all about and it was only a matter of time before you realized that all my lies were all the things I chose to keep from you.
As your friend, I kept you at arms-length, you found my social awkwardness to be endearing, I told you everything you needed to hear while I preyed on you, ignored you when it suited me, used you to my benefit, f*cked you in every sense of the word and then vanished. I hid behind the fact once I’m gone you would struggle in vain to find me before finally realising that your attempts to reach me were purposely being ignored.
As a human being, I have chosen to remain a statistic. I have held on tightly to everything in my possession including my talents, skills and resources and not done anything meaningful with my time to help the less fortunate. I chose to tell myself that I have no material wealth to share and therefore I should not be expected to solve everybody’s problems. I have observed the world around me and never once felt compelled to even imagine ways I could contribute to making it a better place; leaving my mark, so to speak.
As a spiritual being, I’m still a troubled soul unable to decide what, if anything should form the anchor for my religious beliefs. Having grown up in the Catholic church, I have since rejected that church’s rigid teachings and rituals. However I have lacked the courage of conviction to take a stand on which set of religious views I will commit to follow instead I have prolonged my stay in spiritual limbo, experimenting here and there and still undecided.

In short, all these thoughts about my regrets have consumed my mind since I woke up to the crowd of on-lookers staring at me lying on the floor as if I had already been dispatched to meet my maker.
I realise that in alot of respects, I am set in my ways and that I am a mere product of my experiences and upbringing. But there is still some room I have for growth. I’d hate to be that person who resists any form of change both internally and externally while claiming to be in pursuit of happyness and being at total peace with himself and his surroundings. That has been the fool’s paradise I have been living in.
That said, I still maintain that I am not afraid of death. But there’s nothing like facing the working end of a russian AK-47 held by Kenya’s Finest or in my case a speeding G4S truck, to put the fear of God in any Kenyan including me! So as much as I may claim not to be afraid of death, I am certainly afraid of any manifestations that a premature meeting with St. Peter is imminent. I still have alot of growing to do, so I’d gladly take a rain-check.

Day 215 (Final Reflections on the Proposed Constitution)

Mood: Calm

Mode: En faisant le bilan


My name is N.V and I am citizen of Kenya. These are my final reflections on the eve of the August 4th 2010 Referendum on the Proposed Constitution of Kenya.

The quest for Kenya’s new constitution has polarized society to the extent that even usually neutral institutions such as the media and religious society have become partisan. These institutions would ordinarily serve as arbiters when society is embroiled in conflict. For the past three months in a row, the constitution has been Kenya’s most debated subject to the point where it overshadowed the just concluded World Cup tournament in South Africa.

Sadly, this constitutional debate has been reduced into a contest of Greens and Reds on a handful of contentious issues which have been conveniently isolated from the contents of the draft constitution as a whole. This minimalist approach to constitution making has overshadowed the strong and sound fundamentals that underlie this proposed constitution. Let us rise above academic, moral, political debates over the few contentious issues dividing us and look at this constitutional process as a whole. Shall we? Why did Kenyans spill blood, break limbs, get detained or even maimed? The real struggle for a new constitution has been to strengthen and protect human rights and good governance; achieve government accountability; facilitate generational and gender equity; promote and safeguard separation of powers; foster open politics; establish a high quality civil service capable of administering government policy effectively and impartially; address corruption broadly; foster an open and productive debate between government and civil society; and enhance economic transformation and social justice and access fair and quick justice for all.
My dear friends and fellow colleagues, we have reached the proverbial crossroads: Tomorrow, we will all be going to the polls to vote whether we accept or reject the proposed constitution of Kenya. It is unprecedented for any country of the world to have had one let alone two constitutional referendums, not to mention being the most expensive and longest review process in post World War II history. And the results? Nothing yet. But as Kenyans we have still yearned ever so patiently for a new Constitution. Why? Two reasons: we wanted and still want the best possible constitution in the world; one that would defend individual rights and freedoms while at the same time safeguarding national interests and secondly, Kenyans wanted to be involved in the constitution-making process. We wanted a constitution we can own and call our own. And I agree that “owning” this constitution lies in healthy disagreement and robust debate, which in our case has led to the formation of the Yes and No camps. But this is not a winner-takes-all contest since we are all Kenyans and our primary objective should be to move Kenya not for our personal benefit but for the greater good of this and the coming generations.

A few years back, a writer by the name of Lev Grossman published an article entitled ‘Forward Thinking’ in which he said: “Albert Einstein, in 1932 remarked that ‘there is not the slightest indication that nuclear energy will ever be obtainable ….. Thomas Edison thought alternating current would be a waste of time…. Franklin Delano Roosevelt once predicted when he was Assistant Secretary of US Navy that airplanes would not be useful in the battle against a fleet of ships…. In 1883, Lord Kelvin, President of the Royal Society and no mean scientist predicted that ‘X-Ray will prove to be a hoax.” To all this Grossman concluded that “there is nothing like a passage of time to make the world’s smartest people to look like complete idiots.” Borrowing from Levy’s wisdom, I am of the view that those who are opposed to the proposed constitution may think that they are the smartest people but time could prove them ‘complete idiots’.

As Kenyans, we know that a constitution will not magically solve all the contentious political problems of this country. But it will provide a shared spirit and framework for re-structuring and re-organising our politics, economy and society in a democratic and just manner. Our new proposed constitution will therefore become a focal point on which political leaders can develop a political culture, which enlivens and fosters integrity. A constitution will not establish constitutionalism. A constitutional culture and a prudent constitutional jurisprudence (in which the three branches of Government, lawyers, academics, citizens, the civil society, among others understand their respective roles) establishes constitutionalism.
A “good” constitution is not drafted; its hopes and aspirations are not in its elegant and spotless phraseology. A good constitution is lived and experienced; its strengths and hopes are in its interpretation and jurisprudence.

I am afraid that Kenyans will be searching for a perfect constitution for a long, long time unless they realize the simple truth that consensus-building on every single contentious issue is an exercise in futility.

Day 201 (‘Kinetic Mistakes’)

Mood: Chilled out

Mode: Entrainement


Public Service Announcement: It is NEVER okay to refrain from any form of exercise for several months and sporadically decide to hit the gym and then play ball directly afterwards. It is not okay. Dont do it.

|d®| and Xcel, I hope y’all are listening!

That is all. For now, atleast.

Regular blogging will resume henceforth.

**NV hobbles off to bed – sore joints and all – knowing full well that he’s a heavy sleeper and a single muscle cramp in the wrong place could potentially kill him.**


Now Playing: Common – “Nag Champa”

Day 181 (Life As I Know It)

Mood: Mellow

Mode: Relaché


Why lie, if I was given a dollar for everytime I heard the following phrases from the following people, I’d quit my law career and retire early with my millions to Ouagadougou or someplace..

1) Ask your good brother
He’s the last born.
Getting any info out of him is hard enough let alone household related stuff.

2) “It’s about her, isnt it…What the hell did you do this time?”my good pal
Maybe it’s because I only seem to use the “Dude, we need to talk” line around the time I’m having relationship gwans.

3) “I hate to bring all of this up right before/in the middle of your exams”Her and the one before her and the one before her..etc.
I started getting this line in I.B.
It’s been the same ever since.

4) “NV, tumepita usi jali!”My good classmate/female friend.
The cool thing is that after all these years and us having moved to different law schools on different continents, she still sends me emails telling me about her exams and repeats the same line just like the old days down South.

5) “Have you made tea?”my good mother
In the morning, when she passes me in the hallway half-asleep.
In the afternoon, she’ll sms it if she left home without having breakfast that morning.
In the evening, when she comes home and happens to find me in the kitchen making dinner.

PS: Last day of the month! So long, June (atlast!). Helllooo July!


Now playing: Little Brother – “When Everything is New”

Day 180 (Procrasti-nation)

Mood: Upbeat

Mode: Enrhumé


As an integral part of being adults, we become slackers. Yes, slackers. Gone are the days when we longed to be grown-ups just so we could stay up as late as we wanted, go and come as we pleased, make our own decisions, earn our own money and do whatever we wanted to do. And now, when we finally have all that freedom, we realise just how over-rated it all is. Meanwhile, back in the real-world, there are jobs to be found, salaries to be earned, errands to be run, appointments to be kept, a social life and love life to be managed all day, every day. So we slack. We put certain things off until the last possible hour, we postpone as many things as we can, while we consciously and purposefully allow ourselves to be distracted by anything and anyone that can take us away from the reality we know awaits us.
Case in point, I should be studying right now. I’ve got oral exams tomorrow and my bar exams are less than 5 months away and yet, I’m here typing this, checking the blogroll, stalking her on twitter and fb and tumbleweed.. while thinking about hitting the locals for a quick game or 6 of pool, catching the Spain-Portugal game, fine-tuning the car stereo system.. the list is endless.
I need to get a life, yeah probably. But more importantly, I need to take this whole grown-ass man thing a bit more seriously and say “No” to procrastination!

And now, a little poem on the topic du jour:


I watch the time slip through my fingers
Gather around as i pull this habit out my hat
I can make hope disapear
and create despair out of thin air
Watch me turn my future into dust
Stand in awe as I Self-destruct.

~ Unknown.


Now playing: Dilated People ft. Kanye West – “This Way”

Day 132 (Living memories)

Mood: She moves me

Mode: Pensees intimes


Memories don’t live like people do. Whenever I hear this line from Mos Def, I close my eyes for a second and realize just how true it is. I’m a travellin’ man too and I’ve finally come home. And she has come home too. But as much as we are together, in many ways it may feel like we’re apart. And those memories that we’d want to hold on to forever are the ones that’ll slowly become harder to remember. Where we’ve come from. Our travels along the way, as two strangers, two classmates, two friends, two lovers, two parallel worlds and one inescapable truth. I love her and I know our love is just as nascent and in need of replenishment as before. I also know that our love cannot live on memories alone. We need a Present, we need a Now, what we had can never be taken from us but what we need is to find a way to make our love feel the way it felt. The way we feel when we think back to those days. That summer. Together.
In my solitary moments of foolishness, I’ve wanted and wished that things could go back to that easy life, those simple days just so that I could see her more, be with her more, live in her and hold her hand through life, every day. But every day I wake up and look across the trees and the rooftops and imagine her somewhere over there starting off her day without me, living without me. Adjusting has been the hardest part. But I’ve slowly had to get used to this new form of distance that unites our hearts with longing. A distance that makes it easy to fall into the temptation of reminiscing and going through old camera photos and mental images. In a way, it makes one lose sight of the Present. Coming back to Kenya means that we can finally be together, whatever shape this new “being together” will take is for us to create. So let’s make new memories here at home! Granted, they’ll be different and not as grandiose or spectacular as summers spent back-packing through Europe. But whatever memories we make here will still be ours to hold on to and hopefully to build upon in years to come.


Now playing: Alicia Keys ft. Drake – ‘Unthinkable’

Day 55 (Spiritual adolescence..)

Mood: Talkative

Mode: Que Dieu me soutienne..


A week ago (Ash Wednesday), the Lenten season officially commenced.

Last year, I found it cute how she would constantly find ways of trying to get me to disclose which of the many vices/indulgences/temptations/addictions of this world I had decided to deprive myself of for 40 days and 40 nights. This year, I’m going to share it with you all and her as well. I am giving up two things: white lies and profanities for Lent. There, I said it. Now you know. I know what you’re thinking – it’s not possible, right? Especially for me, because those happen to be the two things I do almost automatically. Involuntarily, too. Allow me to briefly elaborate:

White lies:
Men specialize in white lies. Any woman that has even spent enough with any man will tell you as much. All men do it. Daily. Hourly even. I will not deny that I am part of this in fact, I’m texting a pseudo-lie to three separate people while I’m writing this sentence. The thing about me and my white lies is that I’ll always try and justify it either a way of protecting the people around me from certain ugly truths that must not be disclosed. Atleast not by me. the reality of things and other things I deem unimportant. Other reasons I found myself white-lying was to wiggle out of any social gatherings and events that are not directly related to official work. Between us, I’m enjoying the quiet life. Staying indoors, reading, thinking, bonding with the family and generally trying to figure stuff out.

It seems being in Kenya has turned me into quite the potty mouth. I don’t go around insulting people’s mothers at random or anything like that. But it generally doesn’t take much for me to unleash verbal tongue-lashes with facial and hand gestures to boot on the unsuspecting public wherever and whenever at the slightest hint of provocation. I guess most of my colleagues have just come to think I have a short temper or anger management issues or I just need to get laid or something. But I’ve noticed it, the foul language – and I’m not particularly happy with it. I’m not that kinda guy. I’m a Scorpio for goodness sake not a Taurus! *grin* Okay, yeah so the plan is to go back to the basics and keep my mouth shut or at the very minimum civilly get my point across without everything I utter turning into a Slim Shady verse.

So there you have it. Those are the two things I’m “giving up” for Lent. Inch’allah, I shall phase them both out from my life altogether.

But telling you what I’m giving up for Lent is not the reason I’m here. There’s something deeper that has been on my mind for a very long time now.

Continue reading

Day 31 (Platonic?)

Mood: Pensive

Mode: Silent

Thoughts: Inspired in part by CB’s latest post.

“Nooo, nooo…he’s like my brother! Ewww”

That’s what she said to you, right? Then again that’s what all women say about their platonic male friends. Ever cared to know what your platonic male friend thinks about you and how he really feels about your platonic friendship? I’m a guy like him so I’m qualified to speak on such matters. But unlike him, I’m not going to hide it from you or mince my words on this. Long story cut short, if he’s hanging around you a lot more than he should, checking up on you and sh*t, buying you sh*t, always there if you need a shoulder to cry on, he’s definitely thought of hitting that. And that fact alone, by definition, makes your friendship far from platonic. Ideally a platonic relationship, from a guy’s point of view, should be like the relationship he would have with his opposite gender sibling. Normal men don’t have any sexual attraction to their sisters. However, the reality is that normal men DO have a sexual attraction to their female friends. In fact, by our very nature, most normal men are conditioned to categorise women (yes, ALL women) as follows:
1. Women I’d never shag.
2. Women I’ve shagged but have no interest in shagging again.
3. Women I’ve shagged and would happily shag again.
4. Women I haven’t shagged yet but would love to.

Don’t argue with this, its science.

Why do you think women get so jealous about her man’s platonic female friends? It’s because she knows that if her man and her platonic female friend were ever alone together, there’s a higher chance of her turning down his advances than the other way round i.e. her man saying ‘No’ to her advances. It follows from this, ladies, that your platonic male friend had already categorised you in either #3 or #4 in the above list. But you already know all this. He’ll always hint, ever so subtly or not, and what do you do? You friend-zone him. Which is cool because it gets him to back off. Or so you think.

But what I’ve always wondered is why women still find comfort in the notion of a platonic friend at the same time deep inside you are convinced that “all men are the same” including your guy friends and therefore never really believe them to be purely platonic anyway. Meanwhile a part of you, LIKES the idea of this…that your male friend, the one you run to and b*tch to about your own lover, would gladly bed you if given half a chance. Because it is in those moments of feeling unappreciated by your significant other that you get mad vulnerable and your vanity gets the best of you. You’re looking for evidence that you are special, you are beautiful and you are damn desirable. Innit? And you like knowing that you could, with the snap of your fingers, cross the line with him with little or no resistance from him, the very same man you were just a minute ago calling your “platonic friend”. It’s obvious that there is a small (or large) part of you that likes to KNOW that you could if you wanted to shag your best male friend if you so desired. It is in those moments that, all of a sudden, you wish you were more physically attracted to him, that you start giving him desirable traits that he doesn’t really even have, that you start letting your mind wander about things you have long fought off and suppressed. It is in those moments that your own assurance that things are strictly platonic become questionable even for a millisecond.
And that’s all it takes.

I’m just trying to understand… Platonic?

Now playing- A Tribe Called Quest – ‘Find My Way’