Like most normal heterosexual men, I have a healthy relationship with porn and my regular intake remains constant whether I am in a relationship or not. Ladies, you may or may not understand this reality about us. Anyways, for lack of any breaking news to report in my life like getting run over by an armoured G4S truck or my miserable love life, I thought I’d talk about porn. Specifically I shall give you an insight to some of the many thoughts that cross my mind while watching porn..(well, atleast during the ‘boring parts’ before the..uhm.. you know.. kicks in)
1. Sizing myself up.
From when I was a young virgin boy (it wasn’t *that* long ago, I still remember some stuff from them days), porn was how I found out my package was a decent size, and as I grew older and learned how to use it, I have never forgotten to thank God for his generosity to me in that department. (God + porn? Ok, this is officially a new low, even for me)
2. Watching porn with other people
My general rule of thumb is if I walked in my boys crib and the crew was watching porn, I’m walking right out the door. Unless it’s a celebrity sex-tape. You don’t watch those to get turned on, you watch to see a famous person eating mangoes nekkid!
Also, I think there’s an unspoken consensus amongst the guys I know that if we’re a mixed group of guys and girls watching porn, any guy who pulls out their johnson is asking to get punched or worse. Now if the ladies would like to go topless…who are we to deny you? (If only such things actually *did* happen)
3. Watching it with a member of the opposite sex
From my experience, watching
good porn with a member of the opposite sex can lead to an interesting night. The end.
4. Porn is universal
As ridiculous as it is sometimes….porn has something for everyone and for every mood. Sometimes, you may want to see some interracial action or maybe you’re into midgets or whatever. It’s all there, trust me. Hell, there’s a dude on Kirinyaga Road that can hook you up with vernacular porn if you’re looking for that rural feel.
5. Appreciation of sex as an art:
Like dance, it is an expression (albeit a horizontal one or vertical or whatever other shape you can think of) and when performed rhythmically, sex *can* have a high level of aesthetic value and appeal.
6. Things that don’t happen in porn films:
Back-scratching, for instance. Most women have this tendency to dig their nails into your back during their O
or if they’re in insufferable pain or something. This aspect is never shown on porn films probably because the black dude in the interracial porn would look like a runaway slave or something. There are also other things like crying, passing-out and outbursts of laughter that don’t happen in porn films although they form an integral part of most people’s sexual experiences. (Re: Passing out: Long sessions + Summer nights = dehydration. These things have been known to happen, folks)
5. Things that porn movies over-hype:
The booty-slap is top of my list… a list which contains a lot of other unmentionable things that I shall not mention or attempt to attach illustrative photos of. So, where was I? Yes, ass-slaps. It’s over-portrayed in porn movies and comes off as very cliché and mechanical.
Sidenote: Fellas, is it just me, though, or are the best ass smacks the ones that are just firm enough to be felt but echo around the walls of the room like Kunta Kinte’s slave-master just came through with the horse whip?
Anyways, another thing that is over-hyped in porn movies is talking dirty in foreign languages. Personally it is not really all that, talking dirty in English is enough, really.
6. The only useful thing I’ve ever learnt from watching porn is…A man who is “laying the pipe properly”, so to speak, can get away with a lot – hair pulling, choking, spanking, a little domination…you name it. But you have to be in the MASTER to pull it off. She’s got to feel you’re in control every step of the way.
And finally, here’s my closing point
that’s if you didn’t stop reading this post from the title and immediately ruled me out as a perverted and deeply disturbed soul
7. Post-porn regret:
After I watch porn, I always feel bad about it. Maybe it’s the catholic upbringing in me that feels dirty and deviant or maybe its feeling like I’ve contributed to an industry that degrades, dehumanizes and sexually abuses women. But ofcourse for some men the post-porn regret is similar to the feeling they would get after completing the Act with a woman significantly below their typical physical standards.
So I guess this is the part of the post where I say “Damn yall, I cant believe I just blogged about porn” But I’d be lying… Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to the “Drafts” box to see what other rubbish I’ve typed up in the past few years but have been too chicken to post.
Now playing: Kelis ft Nas – “In Public”