Day 29 (Shoot the messenger)

 Mood: Comme Ci, Comme Ça

Mode: Depêche

Thoughts: …PSA

Don’t let the babyface and my apparent lack of facial hair fool you, I’m a grown a** man. But there are a lot of things I’ve noticed among my fellow males around the streets of Nai that are the furthest thing from being grown-a**-man’ish.

This PSA will begin in 4,3, 2….1. Here goes:

-Men who don’t wear watches:

How do you go about your day constantly reaching into your pocket to check your cell for the time or worse still, you tap me on the shoulder and keep pointing at your bare and ashy wrist? Get a watch already! If you can afford cufflinks for your decent-looking shirt, please get yourself some decent wristwear, it’s for your own good. (preferably in leather, preferably Swiss).

-Men who don’t carry wallets:

I feel all you men out there who prefer not to carry their wallets around. Who wants to have a wallet the size of a Steers burger bulging out of your back pocket, right? I hear you but truth is, when you don’t have a wallet, paying for anything always turns out looking like a black man being patted down at an airport terminal only for you to unleash a bunch of crumpled-up bank notes. Whereas if you had a… *wait for it*… wallet, you wouldn’t have this problem. Moral of the story: get a wallet! If you have one, use it. As far as making sure there’s always enough cash in there, that goes without saying.

-Men who still grow their hair:

Listen, if Maxwell himself aka Mr I-have-impregnated-most-of-the-world’s-women-with-my-voice-alone shaved off his panty-dropping afro opting for the clean-cut look, what makes you think you’re special? Men all over the world are realizing that India Arie is a damn liar, and that the whole ‘I am not my hair’ thing is complete hogwash. It doesn’t matter whether you’re 5’ 6’’ or 6’ 2’’, the first thing women notice about you is your hair. So for us men, keeping your hair short and neat is the only acceptable way to go regardless of whether you think you’ve got a hexagon-shaped cranium or you’re a direct descendant of Samson. The fade is in. You betta ask somebody!

-Men who wear ‘mob’ jewelry:

This is a personal one that a lot of y’all men and women may not agree with me. I think my Helvetic timepiece is all I need to compliment the suits I wear. So, I don’t wear jewelry. A lot of men I’ve seen seem to be fond of wearing bracelets and several blingy rings and chains under their shirts. I’ve always wondered why. It seems a bit much if you ask me. When I get married, I will gladly wear my plain but elegant white-gold wedding band (any other type of wedding band is out of the question for me) on my finger everywhere but this whole business of wearing blingy gold pinky rings and what-not, that’s not for me.

-Men who wear those Ali baba’ish leather shoes:

Y’all know exactly what I’m talking about! Its appalling what passes as stylish leather shoes for men these days. I’ve seen a lot of these pointy-looking shoes all over and I’m not sure whether to look directly at those things for fear of being impaled. It goes without saying that having good shoes on your feet at all times, is a must especially since most women tend to judge you accordingly. So you’d rather go for simple and plain but quality leather shoes than those funny-shaped Ali baba-looking shoes. I’m just sayin’.

-Men who insist on doing stupid things with their ties:

We all went through our excellent 8-4-4 system where we graduated from those ties with elastic bands to real ties that we learned to tie ourselves. I remember on my first day of school, my imaginary dad’s 6’4’’frame standing over me infront of the bathroom mirror as I tied my tie for school. What I don’t get is why so many Kenyan men insist on tying these ridiculously huge big a** knots on their ties. My definitely of a big knot is one which fills up the entire V-shaped area in between shirt and the suit and makes the shirt collar look reaaally tiny in comparison. I don’t understand anyone who want to tie their ties in this weird fashion especially since it ends up making your tie look short, unless you enjoy walking around looking like a damn clown with a bowtie on or something. Funga tai vizuri!

-Men who insist on wearing their ‘stunna shades’ unnecessarily:

I reckon the only time men should be allowed to wear sunglasses is when they’re in the CBD. Why? Because otherwise you’d just look like a damn pervert checking out all those attractive women that walk by. Atleast with sunglasses, it’s not always that obvious what or who or who’s what you nearly broke your neck trying to get mental images of. Generally speaking, most men who wear sunglasses are usually trying to hide something. Personally, I’ve never seen the point of  owning a pair of sunglasses. Besides, I’ve gotten so many compliments about these ‘beautiful’ brown eyes of mine – why would I want to go from that to being that shady-looking tall guy that always wears sunglasses?

Otherwise, I’m out. ‘Nice time!’ & Happy weekend, y’all. 

———-

Now playing: Little Brother ft. Dion – ‘Step Ya Game Up’

Advertisements

9 thoughts on “Day 29 (Shoot the messenger)

  1. As I began reading this I almost felt like this post about me, because I don’t have a watch and I don’t carry a wallet! But that’s where it stopped since those are the only things I am guilty of. I hate ‘mob’ jewels by the way.

  2. LOLEST.

    I like watches, got one a few days back because I’ve really missed wearing one. I like short hair on African guys, though I make an exception for dreads. For white boys, I prefer it long – I’m TOTALLY a hair person, India Arie or no India Arie.

    If you have no wallet, where exactly do you keep your money? I mean – like – do said dudes go whipping out ATM cards from their shirt pockets? Coz that’s kinda weird.

    I agree on the sunglasses and the silly pointy shoes [those annoy me no end]. Indifferent on the ties … re: bling, I’ve always liked the one earring and/or choker-neckwear look, especially the close-to-neck ones with some horn or spear or drum-and-bead totem, but that’s just me. Also, I’m not big on Maxwell [or D’Angelo]. I just don’t get neo-soul…

    Thanks for the laugh though, great start to my weekend 🙂

    Oh, what’s PSA?

  3. teehee. mob jewellery? ali baba shoes? that imagery is killing me dead with laughter like you wouldnt even believe. i might be … eh, partial to men with certain kind of piercings (mind out of the gutter please!) i cant handle the chains. ive seen guys with bracelets … its like surely! if one of us is going to jingle as we walk it should be me.

    i went through a phase where i swear its like i was bait for every thief in nairobi and those street kids who used to threaten people with human waste. i had bandanas snatched off my head (only a chick having a bad hair day would understand the trauma of desperately looking for a place to buy a comb cos some dude decided to reveal your “bed head” look)been grabbed from behind and restrained as someone else removed my earrings (four on each ear, and this was in the middle of rush hour and folks just walked on by … the mind boggles) and numerous watches spirited away from my wrist. my long run on sentence is in defence of people who dont wear watches. it fikas a point where you cant wear those plastic watches cos it will clash with what you are wearing but you have been traumatized and are afraid to love again. or however the phrase goes. even though now i have a sura ya kazi face/street cred or whatever and im no longer easy pickings im still averse to watches. si thats what clocks all over the place are for? 😀

    re: sunglasses – at least i dont wear them at night … hehe. i have no excuse for my attachment to them, i just penda them.

  4. Look here bredrin, respect the pinky ring and what you got against ghost deini type jewellery??…lol (that eagle this fool rocks on his arm is hideous). Hilarious post though. Why do fellas rock those pointy multi colored shoes? you are not pimps, whats next a cane.

    One more though is suits that have no cut at the back…gotta have on of these fellas, either single or double(preferably).

    Out here though, you should see nyeuthis peeling crisp rolls of dollars from their pockets, some kinda way to stunt or something…i shake my head.

  5. @wyndago The lesser evil of your two faux-pas would have to be not having a watch. The wallet thing is a biggie apparently since women tend to have a lot of questions about it/read a lot into it, as CB’s comment shows.

    @CB You’re welcome! Btw, PSA = Public Service Announcement. It was meant for all men guilty of the above-mentioned gaffes in their look. I’m sure I’ve left out a number of them. But then again, I’m not female so I cant purport to speak too much on what you ladies like in your men. As for you not getting neo-soul, it perplexes me to no ends. Oh well, different strokes.

    @jmmk It really sounds like you’ve been jacked enough times on these crazy a** Nai streets of ours. Pole lakini. At the risk of jinxing it, I’ve been shikaing jav’s in and around the CBD since I was in High School mpaka now and I’ve never been robbed/pickpocketed. But I’ve had 2 confrontations with said chokoras wielding fistfuls of their home-made manure and other dangerous looking objects, and on both occasions, I bolted Usain style and I guess they lost me in the crowd. That being said, I take all sorts of daily precautions when leaving the crib, especially with stuff like my watch, iPod and wallet, which I know I must always have on my person. I hope my days aren’t numbered though.

    @msaniXL Cheers fam. Pretty Tony’s eagle thing always cracks me up. Full co-sign on the suit-sans-cut-at-the-back. A mean suit-game is a sine qua non for anyone purporting to be a grown-a** man. Tailored, preferably. Two cuts, definitely!

  6. TOTALLY made my monday morning!!!! and jmmk does have a scary face when she walks through the streets, I simply grab onto her pinky and try not look too scared. The Ali baba shoes are the woooooooorst!!! Like seriously? Seriously??? Oh and you best smell good and if you can’t splash on some cologne then please smell of nothing but clean!?

  7. Pingback: Day 33 (Peanut Butter & Sushi) « thoughts and sparkles…

  8. Pingback: Cloudvillian’s Five. « T & S…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s