Day 21 (Scared Sh*tless)

Mood: Purple

Mode: Time-out

Thoughts: Random..

I’m not afraid of death. Death is certain and the fact that it could happen to us at any time is more the reason to just accept it when it finally calls your name. That being said, I am only human and I still feel fear and occasionally I hit high pitched girly shrieks like when I bungie-jumped off a 210 foot bridge over Victoria Falls in Zambia; that’s probably one side of me I’m glad my woman will never have to see, although she’s terribly petrified of heights so she’d probably be screaming her head off too..

But on the daily, I do admit that there are things that cross my mind and literally scare me sh*tless: If you listen to the intro to Musiq Soulchild’s song “Babymother”, you’ll probably understand where this post is coming from. Ok, I’m playing. But while we’re on the subject of fears, I realised while writing this post, that my fears are more or less clearly compartmentalised and the list goes something like this:-

1. Career-related fears:

I’d be lying if I said that I’m cool with not being successful in my career. We all would. But I will never compare myself with anyone. I’ve set my own goals, I have my own set of challenges, my own strengths and weaknesses but most importantly, only I know where I’ve come from and what it will take for me to get where I need to go. So I guess the only thing I’m really scared of is letting myself down and having to pick up the pieces then start again. Not like I haven’t hit rock bottom before. It’s just that I know I’ve got a long way to go and the last thing I need is avoidable setbacks and poor career decisions slowing me down at this early stage.

2. Relationship-related fears:

The main underlying one for most people is committing to the ‘wrong’ person i.e. someone that isn’t ready/willing/able to reciprocate. For me, my fear arises in those seemingly insurmountable obstacles that keep me from being with her whereby you’re either asking her to wait for you or telling her to let you go with the hope that you’ll be brought back together somewhere down the line. Either one of these kinds of situations scares me sh*tless because I know there’s always a chance that she could decide not to wait around or eventually simply move on with her life, leaving me holding on to something that’s already gone.

3. Fatherhood-related fears:

3.1 That polygamy dead-beat daddy syndrome is  hereditary/genetic:

I know I am just a statistic in the large number of fatherless sons out there (minus immaculate conceptions and test-tube babies) but as far as fatherhood goes, I am scared sh*tless of my children growing up without knowing their father. Although I am eternally grateful for ma dukes and the way she’s been there for me and my bro, I still believe that men should be raised by men and women always need a father in their life. So I fully intend to be there for my kids and their mother.

3.2 Losing my woman through to child-birth complications or losing my child:

My woman and I have it all figured out. All our kids are going to be born through waterbirth and I’ll be right there in the pool with her, holding her hand when that little big-headed (daddy’s genes) bundle of joy is pushed out into the world. But every time I think about it or when I look it up online and see all the various complications that could arise, it scares me sh*tless. But, inch’allah one day we’ll get to that point and all will go well.

3.3 Having a daughter:

As much as it’s always been my eternal wish to have a daughter, the more I think about it, I get scared. Allow me to elaborate.

3.3.1 Firstly, I’m afraid of having one of those beautiful, early bloomer daughters simply because I was a boy once upon a ago and I know how boys think and all the things they’d be planning for my baby. *cue recurring nightmare screams: ‘Noooooooo!’* So, I’ve started flooding God’s inbox in advance with such-like messages:

Dear Man Upstairs, I already know my unborn babygirl’s going to be blessed with amazing genes (you know how her mama got it bad!) but please let her be a total daddy’s girl that never questions anything I tell her and never experiments with stuff.

Thanks.

PS: A nerdy tomboy with a cute face who doesn’t grow breasts or booty until she’s 22 would work perfectly.

3.3.2 Secondly I’m afraid of having one of those socially awkward “unattractive” females simply because a part of me would rather be the father that has young hormone-raging boys banging my door down trying to see my daughter than having a girl that’s made fun of in school and doesn’t have a date to the prom. Again, I was once a boy and I know how we treated such girls and I wouldn’t want my baby to go through that. I’m just sayin’

3.4 Having a gay son:

If God were to deny me my eternal wish of having a daughter, I’d gladly have a son as long as he does not turn out to be.. uhm.. gay. I’m not homophobic, but as a father I’d feel like I’ve failed in some way in my parenting duties. I’d still try my best to be there for him and encourage him always but I wouldn’t be comfortable with it especially knowing how conservative and close-minded our society still is.

4. Other miscellanous sh*t I’m afraid of:

Sodomy:

As a young lad, I remember there was this old abandoned house just outside our hood where we used to like to run around in and play cops and robbers in, until this strange hobboe decided to start squatting there. The older kids then started spreading a rumour that the hobboe was fond of little kids like us because he could lure us in with sweets then lubricate his pipi with Blue Band and stick it in our doodoo holes basically do inappropriate things to us. It’s safe to say that we never went over there ever again. Ever.

As a man, I’m still scared sh*tless of anything remotely like that happening to me, especially since I know if happens to a lot of men who go to prison. If there was ever a stronger deterrent against committing even a traffic offence for me, getting assf*cked “getting my salad tossed” aka sodomy would be it.

Dying in a foreign country:

I’m seriously proud to be a Kenyan and although I’ve spent more than half of my quarter of a century on earth in foreign lands, I’ve always carried my motherland with me everywhere I’ve been. But as I mentioned at the very beginning of this post, I know death is coming for all of us and that in an instant it could all be over. Nevertheless, I always used to say that I would be willing to make a deal with the grim reaper himself if I could be spared my fateful demise until I am back on home soil. I’d even go around telling random diasporans that I want to die anywhere in Kenya and have my remains scattered over the Indian Ocean. Well, I’m home now so in case I get hit by a speeding ambulance on Argwings Kodhek road or something freaky like that, just know I died with a big fat smile on my face.

Word!

——–

Now Playing: Little Brother – ‘The Becoming’

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7 thoughts on “Day 21 (Scared Sh*tless)

  1. lol! the last one about being sodomized … i laughed.
    but i feel you on all of them…. especially having a daughter. i wanna have one..actually two and i am bad ass good looking and i know what i am going through/gone through.. having a daddy yeah! i think we are a generation that have had lots of absent parents!

  2. Lulu: Welcome to T&S! And yes you’re right, for the most part, we’re a generation of single parents/ absentee parents but inch’allah our children wont have to go though all of that.

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