Day 252..

Mood: Pensive

Mode: Silent

Thoughts: Saa Zingine..

There’s a lot of sense in rap slang referring to your girlfriend or wife as your wiz i.e. wisdom. I’ve been with my wiz for a year and some change and one of the bits of wisdom she’s shared with me that I’ll never forget was a famous quote by Anais Nin:
“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish it’s source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.”

Now that we’re back to long distance again, this quote feels like a warning of what could happen if we fail to “replenish” the source of your love. Nin is right, love only dies because someone kills it and wounds it over and over again until there is no defibrillator in the world that can bring it back to life again. In my case, I feel like my lack of or inability to properly communicate with my wiz is the closest thing to a bullet in the head of our love.

Communication per se isn’t hard, I can send emails and message detailing every second of my day from sunrise to sunset but my problem isn’t that. My problem is finding a way of sharing my own thoughts and feelings about all the things that are happening around me, especially in plain writing as opposed to via interactive IM platforms like Skype. Atleast with Skype, we could have a conversation in real-time and I found it easier to say whatever it is I have on my mind. Sitting down to type a message or compose an email for me is for purposes of information only and its never about sharing a moment, a thought, a crazy idea, an emotion or anything like that. That much I can admit. Attempting to correct this short-coming often leads me to frustration and anger directed at myself and her for pointing out my apparent nonchalant attitude towards this problem.

Back to the quote, I know I need to put my pride and my frustrations aside and find a way to reach out to her in a way that doesn’t seem so mechanical or prompted like a predicate felon checking in with his parole officer. I believe the best solution is to go back to having real-time quality-time chats online like we did before, because that seems to be the only thing that works.

By no means am I saying that IM’ing is the cure to all our communication gwans. All I’m saying is that it’ll make things easier for us to interact and share throughout the day. I will not make any excuses for myself and my failure to communicate even in the midst of power-cuts, bad internet and joblessness (no income). After a lot of personal introspection, I know I can do better with the resources I have at my disposal and I intend to make that extra effort in the hope that she’ll feel as missed, longed for and thought of, as she really and truly is.

In the end, I guess I now see that communication shouldn’t be a once-off, once-a-day thing but rather it should be an on-going, continuous effort to stay close and keep in touch – despite whatever other obligations and engagements that are competing for my time and attention.

Now Playing: Outkast – ‘She Lives in My Lap’

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