According to Our Kid, men are not the same. And I agree entirely. However, the language we use when you talk to women is standard and universally applicable to all, yes, ALL men. For the guys out there who dont agree with this list below, dont shoot the messenger. I’m sure you probably have some lines of your own.
What follows is something I recieved today that will serve as a guide to what men really mean when we talk to y’all “disillusioned” ladies out there, as Eddie would say.
“Hey, I just wanted to tell you that i care about you, and i think about you all the time.” = “I know that I’m a half-thread of toilet paper on the anal fissure of bad boyfriends, but I’m hoping this’ll make you re-assure you enough to forget that and continue the post-dawn daily bj’s”
“That’s not what I meant” = “actually, I did mean exactly that, but since this unexpectedly upset you, I’m gonna to continue to rephrase it until i find something that works. take a seat. this might take a while”
“Huh? Excuse me? Can you repeat that?” = “I heard you, but I just need a bit more time to patch up this tattered story”
“Whats your name?” = “Not you, dummy. I’m talking to your boobs. Are they fraternal or identical twins?”
“I really dont understand women” = “I really don’t understand why women generally think all I’m after is sex”
“where did you learn how to do that?” = “seriously, where did you learn how to do that, and how crazy must you be to have that skill-set and still be single???”
“whats your friend’s name?” = “Is there a clause for buyer’s remorse in our relationship contract?”
“we should work out together” = “I like you. I really do. but, I’m going to make your life a passive-aggressive living hell until you lose some weight”
“I’m not looking for a relationship right now” = “I’m not looking for a relationship with you right now…just your vagina”
“When was the last time you had sex?” = “if we do the do and I decide to go down on you, I won’t be tasting Gerald’s nuts, will I?”
“My day was good, and yours?” = “Even though this never works, i’m begging you to allow my blatantly succinct answers to rub off on you”
“Where do you see us in five years?” = “please break up with me now so i dont have to feel guilty about the inevitable sneak attack break-up three weeks from now”
‘hi” (to a girlfriend) = “whats wrong???”
“whats wrong?“ = “what did I do???”
“what did i do???” = “I know what I did, I just wanna see how much mileage i still have on this ignorance card”
“I tried calling you.” = “I purposely called when I knew you wouldn’t be available.”
Last but not least…
“Can I come through?” = “I want to come over and have wild, swinging monkey passion with you.”
F I N.
Now Listening to: Lauryn Hill – Doo Wop (That Thing)