Day 310 (Gone till November…24th)

Mood: Purple

Mode: Auto-pilot

Thoughts: So I pray.

Actually I don’t pray much. Same applies to going to church. Not as much as I used to. But sometimes, we have to pray. Yes, we mostly pray when sh*t hits the fan or when we want something really really bad or those few times you’re stuck in one of those family get-togethers and THAT one member of the family, the one with the big voice, insists on saying prayers in vernacular for journey mercies and you end up spending the night, 10 hours and 5435 “jeehovahs” later. But I digress. Prayer. Yeah, that. So, I’ve started praying these days. A lot. At home mostly, not knealing down, but seated at my desk, with only my half-full coffee mug as my witness, I think about each one of them and what they could be going through this very moment. They are the reason I am moved to prayer. They’re both so far away and both at crucial points in their individual lives and since they’re all connected through me, all I can offer them, in way of support, are my prayers. It is said that God helps those who help themselves and my two Cs are far from slackers, they’re working hard to achieve their goals in the face of enormous odds and they still find time to worry about little old me: an email here, an sms there, I love these guys. So if God really helps those who help themselves, I should expect them to be just fine, innit? Yeah, but it also said that a closed mouth does not get fed and the way I interpret that, within the context of prayer, is that God wants us to make that first step in opening up our mouths and our hearts, trusting that He will hear us and reveal himself to us in one way or another. So I pray. I pray to let him know that I am thinking of them, and that I worry about them, I pray so that He may be with them, reminding them always that all they are going through will come to pass and that everything they are looking forward to will be waiting for them right here when they return home. And I know they would be praying for themselves too but they’re probably out there praying for me. So I pray.

Ok, the caffeine had me going for a minute there. So much for “higher” learning. Anyways, before yall start thinkin’ your boy done ran off and caught the holy ghost or some sh*t, I’ma be out. Deadlines and papers kibao so excuse me while I bond with my intellectual maker: coffee..mmmmh.
Inch’allah, I’ll be back to regular blogging and my cyber social networking nonsense after the 24th.

Peace!

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Now playing: Drake – A Scorpio’s Mind.

uhm….yeah…

Ok, this is rant number 1.  Yes either my hormones are playing up, or its just one of those days or I have reason to vent.  Regardless of which it is, I am venting!  Bite me!  So phone calls, emails and skype – includes accounts of what’s going on in your life both work and away from work.  That’s fine…going through major things and making big decisions…totally understandable, I’m a friend – I listen, I say what I think.  When it reverses however and apparently I have never mentioned the biggest move of my life…when in actual fact I have – MORE THAN ONCE…uhm…yeah!  Thank you for making my life seem relatively trivial with my mundane “whirlwind ways”.  It may not have been meant, but that’s just how it feels and friends are not supposed to make you feel like that, like this.  So it’s great that there is so many new developments, and yes one of my roles on this planet is to be my friends’ cheerleaders – and cheer I do.  But I also have a life where stuff happens, where the next few months are extremely scary and I’ve had to make decisions and go certain ways and despite me talking about these things a number of times and it still being a foreign concept to you…well then…

Day 283..

Mood: So, so.

Mode: Grindin’

Thoughts: Desert the ‘Deserve’-thinkers..

Those who rationalise events in life by claiming that ‘punishment’ or ‘reward’ was deserved or not, miss the whole point of life. Life is not and will never be fair. It will never apportion ‘punishment’ and ‘reward’ in a manner that will ever be just or equitable in everyone’s eyes. If you ‘rewarded’ and someone thinks you deserved it, that person fails to understand that your ‘reward’ is less than another’s and more than someone else’s. And the same applies for ‘punishment’. If you feel like you’re being ‘punished’, you must just know that your ‘punishment’ is comparatively less for someone else and more for another.
If this sounds to you like just another way of explaining the concept of relativity in real life terms then I’d have to agree with you. But I urge to hear me out. To illustrate what I’ve writing this far, let’s take the ‘reward’ as winning a Nobel Prize and ‘punishment’ as being raped.
What I’m saying is that thinking in terms of whether one deserved or not to win a Nobel Prize or to be raped, misses the whole point of life. Life just isnt fair. And to put it bluntly we do not have a say on what we think we ir anyone else deserves or not, be it ‘punishment’ or ‘reward’. If you’re one of those people that think Obama didnt ‘deserve’ to win or that I deserved to be raped then you fail to understand that life is about knowing to deal with both ‘reward’ and ‘punishment’ and more importantly moving on whether it leads to more of one, less of the other or a bit of both.

It is written in the Bible: “To those that have, more shall be given unto you” (fuzzy Sunday school memory talking). What this quote means to me is that there is no limit to how much ‘reward’ or ‘punishment’ someone can get whether you think they deserve it or not. Just like a rich person who wins the lottery, you may think they dont deserve it but that shouldnt be the sole basis on which you challenge the reason they won the lottery. The same reasoning applies to Nobel Laureate Obama. The issue of whether he deserved it or not is irrelevant because he still won and according to my above mentioned Sunday school teacher’s quote, tomorrow he could be knighted by the queen or be canonised by the pope. Based on the same reasoning: if I got raped, whether I deserved it or not is clearly not the issue. As much as it would be traumatic to live with without understanding why me and how to explain it, telling myself or everyone telling me I deserved it or didnt deserve it wont change the fact that I could be raped 10 times over for any number of reasons. Life has nothing to do with whether you deserve something or not. Thinking in such terms can almost become an obsession where you are constantly looking at people and looking at yourself focussing on whether reward or punishment was deserved or not. Life isnt about that. Yes, by all means empathise, sympathise, envy, dream, wish, hope to be in someone else’s shoes because of what your percieve to be another person’s reward but please dont waste life on what makes people deserving and who deserves or doesnt deserve what. Life is a personal journey of rewards and punishments, knowing that there are those who will be punished or rewarded more or less than yourself at any given time. Live with it because it will never change, whether you think your continued existence is a reward or a punishment. Wasting time pondering over whether or not someone deserves a reward or a punishment doesnt change the fact that we are all guaranteed our share of both in this world.

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Now Playing: Lauryn Hill – ‘Everything Is Everything’

a little tale of the little things….

The other day as I walked home, this little boy tagging behind his mother had a sort of stick thing in his hands that he had picked up somewhere and was oh so focused on hobbling along back bent over like an old man, complete with the “old man” look on his face.  It just put a smile on his face…the concentration and the attention to detail…it was all too sweet.  It was one of those days where I remembered to not only notice the little things, but to let said little things make me happy and smile.  Then I got a twitter DM woop woop from this great person…ok ok ok…I insisted on being sent a DM since he was sending them to everyone, so myself and this lovely lady demanded and got DM’s from him…woop woop!  Anyway, he sent me this really cool site…that…what do you know…reminded me all over again of the little things!!  So viva the little things…

Day 265 (A Nation of Complainers)

Mood: Relaxed.

Mode: Study

Thoughts:

Third week back in Kenya and I’m slowing getting into the groove of things. I have miraculously escaped road accidents (behind the wheel and on foot), resisted the urge to bribe government officials (to renew my DL and replace my ID), steered clear of trouble (a la Mashifta ‘Pesa, Pombe, Siasa na Wanawake’), turned down extorting relatives wanting money (sina pesa! I’m just a student y’all) but the one thing that has infected my system and refuses to leave is the culture of complaining that is endemic in this society. M1 was right when he used to talk about “wanainchi wakinumunika kila saa” lol. That was then, now its reached epic proportions. Its everywhere, people complain, criticize and are dissatisfied with everything that’s going on this great country of ours.

Don’t get me wrong, there is a constant and understated need for people to voice their views, opinions, critiques and suggestions especially where the running of the country is involved. But what I have found quite remarkable is that there has been a shift from the days when it was just Civil Society doing all the complaining and protesting. Now, every Tom, Dick and Waweru is getting in on the action and this has led to an overwhelming demand among the people for information. More information, about everything.

So today, I observe with utter amazement, the dominant role being played by the media as a source of information on everything going on in the country, singlehandedly feeding the complaining wanainchi with more ammo for even more critical debate, reflection and action on important issues affecting us. Civil society can literally afford to take a back seat and let the people judge for themselves by following the media covering which more and more is exposing exactly what they’ve talking about for years.

I love it.

Watching FULL parliamentary proceedings live a la C-Span (woe on you, Mheshimiwa if you’re caught dozing during debates!), tuning in to updates, special reports and breaking stories presented and told in a way like never before, not to mention the brilliantly written pieces in the print media week after week. All need now is the likes of Muraya Kariuki and others who are responsible for “Bullseye” and “Newshot”, to come up with their own shows in the vein of “Daily Show with Jon Stewart” type thing. From an economic point of view, I guess this is all a natural by-product of having competition in any market, the quality of the goods or services offered by each competitor tends to improve. And on that note, might I digress and hope that this competitive atmosphere spreads in Michael Joseph’s direction in the form of more network providers, because frankly Suffericom is making a killing out here while still offering the same crappy service I’ve always remembered!

Okay, back to what I was saying, complaining from all corners of the country. It’s a great thing!

Democracy at work, and the fact that people have realized that its not just about empty complaining but it’s also about pushing for action while keeping abreast with news and information through mass media and communication. I love it! Gone are the days when information was like gold and only a few had access to it. Nowadays, between the media, word of mouth and sms’es, information is moving faster than ever before. Politically speaking, my only hope is that we are all able to use this abundance of information to come to the right conclusions and make informed decisions that will improve their lives. Ignorance was never bliss but even now, it wouldn’t help us to have all this information yet still have the same short memory that politicians have manipulated for years.

There’s my two cents on that. Tune in next time to the blog that keeps it… *insert that ridiculous but surprisingly addictive Jeff Koinange voice*…aaall Keeenyan, aaaall the time..!

—
Now playing: Dead Prez – We Need a Revolution

I’m a member!

This is how I like to think of Kenya…maybe it’s because of my blood from the slopes but my favorite is the fruit vendor…she gets a smile on my face aaaaall the time!  The ad makes me miss home but reminds me of who we are as Kenyans and then I question how all these “members” get to where we got to for the last elections…?  Anyway, I just thought I’d share the ad…it made me smile again today and so I’m spreading the smile…

academics and failed tears…

It’s one of those days!  In the midst of what everyone perceives as a “near perfect” life…it’s one of those days that feels like all the bad days have just attacked me all at once.  So I decided that there was nothing else to do but come home to a quite house and CRY!!  You know – just give myself a good long hard cry and then get back to the world.  So off I went with mission cry to achieve and what do you know?  Even that didn’t work out too good.  I got home, sat on the couch and meditated my crying.  I meditated more and nothing!  Even my wanting to cry doesn’t happen that how much of a “one of those days” it is!  At this point this post makes absolutely NO sense at all so let me contextualize right?

So…roughly a week and a half ago, I get a call from an institute that I had sent in an application to a long while ago…I’m talking six months ago.  And apparently I was accepted for a one month study grant for my thesis.  Great right?  It should be…looks great on my cv, they pay my rent for the month so I don’t have to worry bout accommodation as it’s in another city and it’s a great place with great resources both in terms of literature and in-house researchers.  If you have anything to do with Africa…this place and it’s library is a dream come true.  So that is where I am for the month of September.  Granted I was accepted for my thesis.  Now, let me explain this.  I was initially doing a one year masters programme and did my thesis for it and finished.  However they now have a two year programme which I am in and so have to do another thesis for the second year but should be done with all my campus courses by december upon which I can go home, do field work for my thesis, finish it there and that should be it.  So this month should be great for coming up with my first half of my second thesis so I have a well grounded thesis for the rest of the field work.  Simple right?  If only I could decide what exactly I’m writing on and what to drop and what not to drop and today it just feels like this last week  I have been totally and completely lost concerning this!  When I look around – everyone has a phD and 3 decades of experience (yes someone’s CV actually says “3 DECADES”.  I’m not even three decades old!!  In addition, my supervisor is pushing on the whole phD issue and I’m not too sure I want to go there right now which then has an effect on my thesis because he sees it as a much bigger project and I’m not sure right now whether or not I want to do a phD and so it leaves me a bit lost as to how to structure this thesis.  Then the other two grant holders are writing on totaaaaaaally different things from me – musicology and victorian travel literature anyone?  The researcher relevant to my thesis is out and will be back mid month.  My other half – well he’s settling down and we’re having communication bumps.  My parents as fabulous as they are would not be able to help me…I’m beyond primary school english to ask for homework help.  So I just feel so…whats the word….LOST!!  In this abyss of academical head hitting on wall’ness!  And I want out!!!!!  So I’m going to watch something, have some ice cream watch something brain numbing and stupid…clear my thoughts and try work this out…after all at the end of the day I have to do it…the buck stops with me and I shouldn’t be grasping to people with their own issues.  So this fun little image below is me and monster academics…I will not give up!!!

Day 252..

Mood: Pensive

Mode: Silent

Thoughts: Saa Zingine..

There’s a lot of sense in rap slang referring to your girlfriend or wife as your wiz i.e. wisdom. I’ve been with my wiz for a year and some change and one of the bits of wisdom she’s shared with me that I’ll never forget was a famous quote by Anais Nin:
“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish it’s source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.”

Now that I’m back in Kenya and she’s still out in Europe, we’re back to long distance again and this quote is a warning of what could happen if we fail to “replenish” the source of your love. Nin is right, love only dies because someone kills it and wounds it over and over again until there is no defibrillator in the world that can bring it back to life again. In my case, I feel like my lack of or inability to properly communicate with my wiz is the closest thing to a bullet in the head of our love.

Communication per se isn’t hard, I can send emails and message detailing every second of my day from sunrise to sunset but my problem isn’t that. My problem is finding a way of sharing my own thoughts and feelings about all the things that are happening around me, especially in plain writing as opposed to via interactive IM platforms like Skype. Atleast with Skype, we could have a conversation in real-time and I found it easier to say whatever it is I have on my mind. Sitting down to type a message or compose an email for me is for purposes of information only and its never about sharing a moment, a thought, a crazy idea, an emotion or anything like that. That much I can admit. Attempting to correct this short-coming often leads me to frustration and anger directed at myself and her for pointing out my apparent nonchalant attitude towards this problem.

Back to the quote, I know I need to put my pride and my frustrations aside and find a way to reach out to her in a way that doesn’t seem so mechanical or prompted like a predicate felon checking in with his parole officer. I believe the best solution is to go back to having real-time quality-time chats online like we did before, because that seems to be the only thing that works.

By no means am I saying that IM’ing is the cure to all our communication gwans. All I’m saying is that it’ll make things easier for us to interact and share throughout the day. I will not make any excuses for myself and my failure to communicate even in the midst of power-cuts, bad internet and joblessness (no income). After a lot of personal introspection, I know I can do better with the resources I have at my disposal and I intend to make that extra effort in the hope that she’ll feel as missed, longed for and thought of, as she really and truly is.

In the end, I guess I now see that communication shouldn’t be a once-off, once-a-day thing but rather it should be an on-going, continuous effort to stay close and keep in touch – despite whatever other obligations and engagements that are competing for my time and attention.

—
Now Playing: Outkast – ‘She Lives in My Lap’

Day 251..

Mood: Relaxed.

Mode: Auto pilot

Thoughts: Nimefika..

Its’ been just over a week since I returned back to Kenya after being after for 6 years, chasing degrees, working on the side, enjoying the life and travelling across 3 continents and so forth..

After having only spent 10 odd years of my entire life in Kenya, I’ve grown up knowing that home isn’t necessarily where I was born, but rather home is wherever in the world my mum and my bro are at, where we all congregate over the holidays, basically. And for a long time, we’ve had “home” in different places but now it seems we’re all slowly converging in Kenya. And I couldn’t be happier. (No more packing and unpacking and packing again..atleast for now.)

Initially, I was very hesitant about returning to Kenya having no tangible experience or expertise to show for myself. I guess there was never going to be a perfect time to come back home and face all those people I left behind, compare scars, trade war stories only to ultimately discover just how far ahead of me some of them have actually are. Yes, I’ve picked up several languages, broadened my horizons immensely and acquired the kind of exposure that very few my age have, BUT nothing beats home advantage. I could do kibarua after kibarua for all my life in Europe or the U.S and I would never see the inside of an office with my name on the door or even have enough cashflow to do anything other than live from hand to mouth. Whereas in Kenya, I don’t have to worry about artificial glass ceilings because I don’t have right papers or that I’m a foreigner or that I don’t speak the language; here fortune favours the bold so instead of an endless string of kibarua’s, one may be able to enter the formal economy either as self-employed or part of an establishment and then sky is the limit.

I am not, by any means, understating the enormous task of finding said ‘kibarua’ or subsequent ‘formal job’ but I’d rather struggle here where I can use whatever connections and contacts are at my disposal for a change as opposed to always being the outsider, the new kid, the foreigner, the kwere kwere blah blah.

That being said, I am glad to be home and I expect to resume normal blogging soon, live and direct from Nairobi!

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Now Playing: E-Sir – ‘Hamnitishi’

My well is running low…

It’s been an amazing summer and I have had my special person with me through it all.  I couldn’t have asked for more.  But like everything in this cruel world, it has come to an end.  The summer is coming to an end and taking the sun with it.  The semester starts which means work – regardless of whether or not my will to work is with me (for the record it is nowhere near me!!  If someone out there finds “Kipepeo’s work mojo” kindly return to owner!).   And most of all, my special “the one” is going, leaving, will not be right here with me anymore.  I know I know, I really should be grateful that he was with me for so long, but on the other hand it got me used to it and I’m wondering how I’m going to survive my space with just me!!???  For the next 3 and a half months (yes I am counting down!!), I’m going to be me myself and I (insert the following song! – yes I’m feeling musical today…bite me!)

Then, all the newbies have started streaming in and I could not for the life of me be asked to start making new friends and stuff.  It’s exhausting and I just don’t feel like making the effort!!  In addition – I’m homesick!  I can’t figure out why considering there is power rationing, same old security issues, water rationing, politicians that are… (I have no idea what word to insert here).  But I just want to go home.  I have had enough.  I just want to go home and someone please find me a job!!!  So I’m counting down my 3.5 months – a good part of those months being winter!!!  So yes “my well is running a little low”…so here’s to finding my work mojo, getting back in the rat race and making the best of things…woop woop!!!